1. Never use ‘said’. Said is very overused, if you use it your editors will think your writing is plain and generic. Great alternatives include ‘remarked’ or ‘retorted’. Bonus points if you use advanced words, like ‘ejaculated’.
2. Always use adverbs. Adverbs are an excellent way to get your point across without putting any effort into it.
3. Poetry must rhyme 100% of the time.
4. Take your favorite ideas from popular books, then plagiarize them completely. This will ensure that your book becomes successful.
5. If multiple people point out the same flaws in your book, they are most likely wrong. If this happens you should definitely ignore their advice, purchase a bus, and hit them with it.
6. Make sure when writing romance, the male character must always be abusive and/or disrespectful to his female love interest. Everyone knows that’s hot.
7. Bonus if he’s secretly a vampire.
8. If you are rejected while querying, then you are a complete failure and should consider another line of work. Like bus driving.
9. When creating characters, it is best to make all your heroes Caucasian.
10. Bonus if your villains are ethnically diverse.
11. Make your main character a better, sexier version of yourself. Everyone knows self-inserts are more interesting to read. They will also make you feel better about your life.
12. Understand when sarcasm has been used, and never stop believing in your work!
Hope you enjoyed the list! Let me know if you have anything you want to add. Until next week,